


Sehnsucht

by the3rdbrother



Category: American Actor RPF, Marvel Cinematic Universe RPF
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff and Angst, Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, Idiots in Love, Insecure Seb, Insecurity, Light Angst, Long-Distance Relationship, M/M, Miscommunication, Misunderstandings, Oblivious Mackie, RDJ is a good bro, Seb Needs a Hug
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-10-25
Updated: 2016-12-11
Packaged: 2018-08-24 15:45:39
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,883
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8377954
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/the3rdbrother/pseuds/the3rdbrother
Summary: One evening, Seb's insecurities get the better of him.





	1. Missing you

**Author's Note:**

  * For [notcaycepollard](https://archiveofourown.org/users/notcaycepollard/gifts).



> Thank you for sharing your works and giving me my inspiration back! Well.. at least parts of it;)
> 
>  
> 
> "Sehnsucht" is a german word with different meanings, but it's always sth like yearning/longing/nostalgia.
> 
> Also, I got like 4/5 already written, just need to edit it before uploading, so it shouldn't take too long hopefully:)  
> Enjoy!
> 
> Aaand, when you find any errors, do let me know!:)

 

“I miss you.” Sebastian silently muttered into the phone. He himself didn't know where this melancholy suddenly came from, but it was already said.

“What was that, Sea Bass?” Anthony grinned mean, teasing his boyfriend back.

Sebastian swallowed around the lump that had suddenly appeared in this throat. He knew for sure that Anthony had understood him and somehow, stupidly, had hoped that maybe, for once, Mackie could be serious and say the he missed him too.

He hated himself when he got like this, he didn't want to seem needy. But if he was honest, sometimes he was needy. Sometimes he would give everything just to hear Mackie say that he liked Seb, not only for his body or sex, but actually liked him for … him. Rationally he knew Anthony had to, why else would he put up with him, talk to him on the phone, text him all the time even when they weren't filming together, but then, it wasn't necessarily a guarantee for love either, was it? And never had the other ever used the “L” word!

Of course Sebastian didn't tell the other man what was really going through his head right now. Instead he forced the disappointment out of his voice, the hurt and the sadness too, and just gave an “You are such a dick, Mackie!” back. But even though he was an actor and knew he should be good at pretending and playing roles, he still couldn't stop being a tad hurt by the fact that Anthony didn't notice anything off at all.

But Anthony Mackie being who he was naturally just responded tauntingly: “Aww Stan, I always knew how much you appreciate my-”

“Don't you even dare finish that fucking sentence!” Sebastian interrupted him.

“Or what? You gonna punish me? Kinky, Sebastian!”

Sebastian just let out an exasperated groan. How did Anthony even manage to turn every single one of their fucking conversations into something sexual?

“Why do I even put up with you...” he sighed.

“Ah, but that's easy Sea Bass! Because you just can't resist that sexy piece of chocolate here!” came the cocky answer.

Seb couldn't help but chuckle at that. It was true after all! But then again, that was so not all there was to tit. Sure, he had been attracted to his co-star since he had first seen him on some screen reading or the other, but when he had started to talk to Anthony for real then after their first long day of work together, that was when he realized how brilliant, funny, intelligent and compassionate the other was, he had known from then on, that his silly little crush on his colleague wouldn't just stay that. No. From then on it had evolved into something far bigger and stronger: Love. So no, he didn't just keep around for the physical part, he wanted it all! Romantic dinners, cuddly evenings on the couch, serious discussions about politics, marathoning bad movies. He wanted the domestic life with Anthony as much as he wanted hot dates and shared showers. He wanted them to share a bed, but not only after sex, but every night.

Didn't the other see? Or maybe he saw, but didn't want _that_?

Maybe all Mackie really wanted was plain physical after all?

Yeah they had been good friends before this _more_ had started, but … everything they did or talked about those last weeks anymore had been exclusively about his body or sex. Maybe that was his co-star subtly telling him that that was all this was to him?

His thoughts getting more depressing and darker the longer he allowed them, he replied probably a bit harsher than he had intended.

“Is that everything you ever think about? Seriously, it's like sex is the only thing you're able to talk about for godssake!”

But no matter how Anthony really took this little outburst, his next words teasing and flirty as always.

“Why yes Sebastian, have you looked in the mirror lately? Even a man like me is not able to resist the flesh, not to speak of such a fine vanilla exemplar of a man with muscles like a supersoldier!” came the purred answer.

So.. that was in fact all that Anthony saw in him? Would he stop calling completely when the Marvel movies were over and he stopped training so excessively?

“But come on babe... I don't really need to tell you that, do I? You know how fucking hot you are! You fishing for compliments again?” Mackie smirked, but Seb only heard how all he was wanted for was his looks and saw red.

“You know fucking what, Mackie? Don't bother calling again until you want to have something real!” the Romanian yelled, aggressively ended the phone call and then proceeded to thrown his phone on his bed.

He didn't hear Anthony's concerned “ _Sebastian?_ ” anymore and also not the broken “ _Isn't this real, between us?_ ” after, and also not how Mackie realized that the call had abruptly been ended and cursed a rather helpless “ _Fuck!_ ”, before he too threw his phone on the other end of the couch, where he had sat down not half an hour prior, looking forward to listening to Seb's voice and talking and bantering a bit with him, after a tiresome day of work.

 

 

 


	2. Causes Feelings

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A lot more of Seb's inner turmoil

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm a bit uncomfortable with this chapter, I dont even know why myself, I just got the feeling it's not as ... good as it could be but... anyway, here you go, enjoy:)

 

It took all of fifteen minutes for Seb to regret it. If he was honest, he'd rather have Anthony like that, than not at all. He would take everything he could get, but his stupid _feelings_ had to get in the way of the good thing they had. Well, the _good enough_ thing at least. He wished he had just ignored his fucking insecurities, flirted back and enjoyed the – admittedly – always very nice phone sex that inevitably would have followed the playful banter.

Anthony always knew how to make him feel good. And Anthony would now definitely know how to cheer him up – if Seb hadn't been the one to tell him to stop calling altogether. Because right now, all Sebastian longed to do so desperately, was to just call Mackie again, tell him he was sory for what he said, didn't mean it, _stressful day on set and all tha_ t, but deep down he knew he could never be a hundred percent happy with this situation. Seb didn't just want good sex and a steady bed partner He wanted a relationship. Being boyfriends. With Mackie.

He condemned his heart and his fucking feelings, that forced him to be miserable and alone right now, but as much as he tried, he couldn't change them. And if he was completely honest, he didn't really want to either. He was in love with Anthony Mackie, had been for a while now, and he couldn't even find one reason as to why he shouldn't be. Anthony was perfect. Maybe some people would say he too had some flaws, but Seb just loved him all the more because of them. Because of the way Mackie just accepted how he was and always made the best of it, no matter what. No matter what situation. And even though it caused him pain and he hated his feelings, being in love with his Co-Star was still the one thing that would always make sense.

But Seb also knew he had to protect himself. He always invested too much. Loved with his whole heart and would grab for the smallest scraps, accept the tiniest affection he could get – and would get hurt so deeply in the process without caring, or probably even accepting it as a necessary side effect. But not this time. He would stay strong.

So he resisted the urge to grab his phone and call the well-known number, but instead decided to order some pizza from his favourite place and make himself a hot chocolate in the meanwhile.

Some time later the pizza arrived. He paid and then changed into his comfiest sweater – that at one point had probably been Anthony's, please do shut up – and sweatpants, before deciding he apparently was a sucker for pain after all and opening one of Anthony's movies on Netflix.

 

When he woke up, everything was dark. It made sense, in a way, since it was after 3a.m. according to the alarm clock, and he had forgotten to plug in the recharger before he started Anthony's movies on his laptop. Somewhere in the middle of _Runner Runner_ he had to have drifted off into a dreamless sleep.

Having no idea why he actually woke up, but being wide awake once again, he knew he wouldn't be able to go back to sleep again so soon and instead decided to get up. Might as well do something useful, he thought as he made his way to the kitchen to depose of the leftovers from earlier. Then he filled himself a glass of water and proceeded back to his bedroom, retrieving his phone from where he had thrown it after the rather disastrous call a couple of hours ago. Some part of him hoped, _expected_ really, some missed calls or a couple of texts at least from Anthony, but – except from a text from Chris, sending him a link to some stupid/funny twitter … post, probably – nothing. He tried to ignore the disappointment, to not let himself think about what the lack of words from Mackie obviously meant, but if he was honest, it hurt. It hurt a whole damn lot.

Again he resisted the sudden urge to just call his friend – were they still friends? – and blinked back the stupid fucking angry tears that somehow found their way into his eyes at that thought. He didn't … he just didn't know what to do now. He had never dared to assume that Anthony might maybe like him back a bit (except that he had started to hope), but finally getting a clear message and answer to this question was so devastatingly … heart wrecking, Sebastian didn't know how to cope with it. There was suddenly an emptiness inside him that he hadn't felt before!

He didn't know how he would be able to work, talk, laugh with Anthony again, now that he knew. But he also knew that he wouldn't be able to keep away from this man either. He knew that sooner or later he would end up in the same situation again, because there simply was no way he could keep away from Anthony for long. Even though it caused him pain, he seemed to need him like the air he was breathing.

And then Sebastian couldn't keep it inside anymore. The wholeness of the situation, the unfairness and the despair, his helplessness and his pain, it all just became too much for him and he started crying. It was an ugly whimper that he tried – but failed – to silence with his hand, and once the tears started, they just kept coming. Without even really thinking, he searched through the contact list in his phone and finally found the person his subconsciousness was looking for.

Snapping out of his daze after hearing the dialing tone, he then had a sleepy, tired voice not long after in his ear, answering the phone with a: “Stan, I fucking hope it's fucking important!”

Robert Downey Jr.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After the interview where Seb not only reveals that his last text message was from RDJ, but also that he apparently gives the best advice, I somehow always picture them having this great friendship whre they always talk about their probems!!

**Author's Note:**

> Kudos and comments are greatly appreciated and make the writer happy!!;)
> 
> My [tumblr](http://the-3rd-brother.tumblr.com)  
> Come talk to me :)


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